First, a disclosure, because we do those here.
This is a proposal, not a decree. Every word below came out of Shared Ground, our open weekly meeting where anyone can help decide how this place runs. Nothing becomes "the rules" until the community signs off on it. So read it, argue with it, bring your objections on a Thursday night. When we've agreed together, this note comes out and the guide stands on its own.
01
Where you just landed
Nobody joins a group with this name because life is going great.
Most of us washed up here from somewhere else. A community that charged us money to belong and then erased us without explanation. A workplace where we masked so hard our jaws hurt. A lifetime of arriving in rooms that weren't built for us and trying anyway. If any of that sounds familiar, you're in the right place, and you can stop bracing now.
Our theme song is Tom Petty's "Refugee" (hear it), and our mantra comes straight out of its chorus:
Everybody's had to fight to be free
You see, you don't have to live like a refugee
(Don't have to live like a refugee)
No, you don't have to live like a refugee
(Don't have to live like a refugee)
We're not a camp. We're not a waiting room. We're not a consolation prize for people who got kicked out of somewhere better. This is where you land when you're done pretending the other places were ever going to work, and where you start building something that actually does.
Everything here is peer-led and always free. The place belongs to everyone in it equally. I run the Zoom account; that buys me exactly nothing extra in the room.
02
The agreements underneath everything
Six of them. Everything else on this page is commentary.
A person equals a person. Hosts and moderators guide the room, but status, credentials, experience, or role don't make anyone more important than anyone else. Leadership here exists to support participation. It doesn't get to control it.
"Safe" doesn't mean comfortable. You've probably been in the other kind of "safe space," the kind where the wrong word gets you reported and everyone masks their way through the hour. We watched those spaces fail us and we're not rebuilding them. Safety here means being real with each other: saying hard things, disagreeing, and trusting the relationship survives it. It also means enough structure that you know what kind of room you're walking into before you walk in.
A trigger is not a threat. A triggered state feels like danger. It isn't the same thing as someone actually threatening harm, and nobody here gets pathologized for expressing emotion loudly or intensely. Regulation looks different in brains like ours. Treating intensity itself as harm does real damage to exactly the people who most need the room.
You can always leave. Every session opens with this reminder. Step away, regulate, come back when you're ready. Or don't come back that day; that's fine too. You're never committed to the hour, and nobody owes an explanation for taking care of themselves.
Rules exist so people don't break them. We set expectations up front to prevent problems. Nobody here is lying in wait to punish you.
The hard lines, in every space: no attacks on members, nothing outside the law or the platform's terms of service, and credible threats of violence get acted on. These hold even in our most unfiltered rooms.
03
Picking your room
Ski resorts solved this problem decades ago. We stole their answer.
A beginner who wanders onto a double black diamond has a terrible day, and it isn't the mountain's fault: the run was marked. So every live Zoom space here carries a rating. The rating is your advance warning, you pick the room that fits where you're at today, and nobody judges the pick. Some days you want the bunny slope. Some days you need the cliff.
The easy run
Green · Green Circle
Lighter and beginner-friendly. Regulated, roughly PG, quirky and fun. Practice space for the social and professional muscles, and a good place to be on days when you need things gentle. It's also where you work on not saying "motherfucker" every sentence if you want to get a job.
The intermediate run
Yellow · Blue Square
Unmasked, but still a shared space. More room for strong language and real emotion, with mutual accountability. One person's hard day shouldn't become the whole room's centerpiece.
The expert run
Red · Black Diamond
Full unmasking. Raw venting, trauma processing, the loud and the ugly and the real. Fewest rules, and for exactly that reason it needs the most experienced facilitation. If you're easily triggered, stay on the greens. The rating is the warning, and joining is your informed choice.
Hosts pick the rating they're running. And if two people find themselves taking over the main room, or getting into something that's really between the two of them, they move to a side room and come back when ready.
Why rate the rooms at all?
Because the usual alternative is worse. Most online communities set one behavioral bar for every space and then fight about it forever, and the people who lose that fight are always the ones who needed the most latitude. Rating the rooms lets a space for raw processing and a space for gentle practice both exist without either one policing the other. The rating does the warning so no moderator has to.
04
What's okay where
The three subjects every community fights about, settled in advance.
Cursing
The line is cursing as language versus cursing at people. Cursing at a member gets handled on the spot, in any room. Generalized rage that isn't aimed at anyone present but still feels hostile (say, "fuck you" at a politician) belongs in Red.
- GreenLight incidental cursing fine, no hostility.
- YellowStrong language and emotion welcome, no rage-based or directed hostility.
- RedRaw venting, bounded only by Zoom and the law.
Politics
Welcome when it directly affects you: a law aimed at autistic people, something coming to your town, anxiety about the news. Not welcome: partisan campaigning, or news-venting that strands everyone who isn't a policy wonk. Activism is okay; electioneering is not.
- GreenKeep it uncharged. Personal and indirect matters fine.
- YellowRespectful discussion of differing views.
- RedThe rating is the warning. Join or skip.
Religion
We can create NeuroSpicy Town, but not the Church of NeuroSpicy.
- GreenSpeak only to how your own faith affects you. Other people's shares are sacred; don't engage with them unless invited.
- YellowComparative discussion and honest curiosity welcome.
- RedOpen discussion. No ad hominem, no sermonizing.
05
The message boards
A post can be scrolled past. A live room you were counting on can't.
That difference is the whole policy. Posts aren't a captive audience, so the boards run at Red-tier latitude, with the same hard lines as everywhere else: no attacks on members, legal and platform limits, credible threats acted on.
There's no pre-approval, no probation, no deletion-first enforcement. If a post crosses a line, someone comes to you person to person: "hey, we need to talk." We'd rather change a behavior than erase a member, because most of us have been on the receiving end of the other approach. Heavier tools stay in reserve, and with any luck we never touch them.
One more thing, about likes. The leaderboard runs on them, so treat a like as recognition rather than endorsement. It means "I saw you, I see how this matters." Like the half-formed thought, the person practicing vulnerability, the attempt. The single boundary: don't like what you actually disagree with. That just muddies the signal.
06
How meetings run
Structure visible enough that ADHD and autistic brains can actually follow it.
The format below is what's been working in Shared Ground, offered as the default for structured sessions. It exists because "just talk" is a format too, and it's the one where the loudest person wins.
- A brief check-in from each person to open.
- Up to 5 minutes for whoever's leading to frame the topic.
- Roughly 2 minutes per person for responses.
- Written chat counts as full participation. Typing is talking.
- Proposals can come before, during, or after discussion.
- Moderation stays clear, gentle, and visible.
Timing stretches with the space: about 2 minutes per person in Shared Ground, 2 to 3 in scheduled discussion groups (a visible timer is fair game), a looser 5 or 6 in the open Zooms.
07
Money
Free, and staying free. Here's exactly what it costs and who pays.
Let's be straight about money, because being straight about money is most of why this place exists. Plenty of us came from communities that charged us to belong somewhere that could erase us without explanation. So: membership costs nothing, ever. The actual bills run about $30 a month, for Skool and Zoom, and they get covered voluntarily and in the open.
The Steward Circle is how. It's an open group of members who kick in a few dollars a month ($5, $10, or $15) to cover expenses and help steward the space. Joining doesn't buy you authority; the Circle manages the shared funds and resources, and that's the whole job. It exists so no single person carries the financial weight, and it runs on a monthly email, because the last thing any of us needs is another meeting. We briefly considered calling it an Executive Committee, then rejected the name for implying exactly the hierarchy we don't want.
And nothing is for sale here. Peer circles aren't sales funnels. Share resources freely, teach what you know freely. If someone eventually wants to charge for something, that conversation goes through community governance first, in the open, with everyone's input.
08
Start your own circle
You don't need credentials to hold space. You need a topic you care about.
This community runs on peer-led groups, and not because we couldn't find experts. We don't believe the expert-at-the-front model is the one that serves us. What serves us is somebody who's lived it, showing up every week for the others living it too.
So if there's a group you wish existed, propose it. Post in Governance & Feedback with what you'd call it, who it's for, what kind of space it is and when, and whether you'd like a co-facilitator. (Running paired is a good low-pressure way to start, and honestly more fun.) Then we talk about it as a community. No application, no vetting, no committee. Just a conversation.
If an existing session needs a host, we ask the community before we take it off the calendar.
09
Still deciding
The live questions. Every one of them is yours to weigh in on.
Shared Ground meets Thursdays at 6pm Pacific, 9pm Eastern, and this is the current docket:
- Trolls and serious disruption. What our response procedures should be.
- The rating names. Traffic signal, ski slope, or one system for good — and settling Circle versus Square once and for all.
- Casual profanity in Green rooms. Seasoning versus escalation, and where exactly the line sits.
- A NeuroSpicy Bill of Rights. Less a formal document, more a process for surfacing what we value and why.
- Daily check-ins. A way to make sure nobody disappears unnoticed. Endorsed in spirit, not yet built.
- Who we are, structurally. Social community, mutual-support network, advocacy organization, or some braid of the three.
- A politics-focused session. A separate opt-in space for people who knowingly want that intensity.
- Outreach. Growing without becoming marketing: member invitations, QR-code street teams, bilingual sessions, sharing the group where you already belong.
If one of these made your pulse move, that was the invitation. The current Zoom link is always on the calendar. Come say the thing.